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The School of Flaunt

Back when "Flying Was Fun" Alexandra Smythe and Cate Clarke were Flight Attendants with a Major International Carrier. Prior to Private Jets coming into vogue, Alexandra and Cate traveled in the First Class World, meeting and greeting the top celebrities, politicians who would become Presidents, nouveau riche, and yes the occasional Headline Grabbing Criminal in Handcuffs!

What the two ladies viewed and experienced became fodder for the School of Flaunt, so much money, such bad taste and oh those terrible manners. Something had to be done! Hence, The School of Flaunt Handbook was born. Read More

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“The Fine Art of Chewing”

Category: Stay Out of Etiquette Hell!  |  Permalink

Published: Monday, January 20, 2014

 

 

 

 

 

The question is, "Do you like See food?" We don't mean Seafood!!

OR

"The Fine Art of Chewing"

Yes, we are talking about the dreaded chewing with your mouth open! There we have said it! The horror, the pain, the humiliation. And it is everywhere, Students. Everywhere!

Watch any Soap Opera or Movie and you will see more food than you want to.

Let us begin. We are not living in the days of King Henry the VIII, where everyone chewed with their mouths open, threw the chicken legs to the waiting hounds, wiped their oily hands on the table cloth, and belched their way through a meal.

Why do we have table manners and chew with our mouths closed? You can't answer this simplest of questions? Then may we? Because table manners and chewing with your mouth closed are to avoid ugliness! Who wants to look at masticated food, and listen to smacking of the lips and belching? We don't!

HERE ARE NINE SIMPLE RULES TO FOLLOW WHEN EATING:

1. Food should be eaten one mouthful at a time. Sounds logical don't you think? But some people swallow just a small amount of food in their mouth, or maybe none at all and then immediately shove something else into their mouth. We can only guess that they enjoy mingling the flavors. Sorry not enough pepperoni on that bite of pizza for you - just had to add another piece of pepperoni into your mouth. Makes our heads spin thinking about this. We know pizza is a casual meal but PULEESE we don't want to see a mouth full of chewed pizza!

2. Never and we do mean NEVER, remove a spoon or fork from your mouth that has the remains of chewed food on it! Frankly, it is rather disgusting to see a used utensil resting on someone's plate that looks like this! Picture a dirty spoon covered in gooey Trifle that has been in someone's mouth! Nasty!! This idiot will probably want to stir their coffee with said spoon also. Think it doesn't happen, we've witnessed it! But we digress.

3. If food went into your mouth on a spoon it comes out on a spoon. What? We know we just told you not to leave food on a spoon. We mean something like a cherry stone. Just quietly spit it into the spoon. Then place the foreign object on the side of your plate. No need to exclaim, "Wow, I found a pit in the fruit compote."

4. The exception to rule #3 is, if said object went in by your fingers, i.e. an olive with a pit then it is acceptable to remove the pit with your fingers. Please do not drop said pit under the table. No we are not kidding here. Remember you are not King Henry and you aren't in his court either!! Place the pit on the side of your plate. If having cocktails please place pit on the cocktail napkin not on a table.

5. A fish bone may be taken out of your mouth by hand. Let's face facts here students, to remove a fish bone with a fork would look ridiculous. We can see you now poking around in your mouth trying to retrieve said bone. Remove the fish bone by hand and place on the side of your plate. Again it is not necessary to tell your fellow diners that you found a bone in your fish! They don't care as long as you weren't choking.

6. Cut all fat, gristle, and skin off of meat, poultry and fish, before it enters your mouth. Nothing should be more disgusting to you personally (at least we hope so) and we know to the other diners, than to watch you pull out a wad of ICK out of your mouth. Really just think ahead students! Cut these things off and place on the side of your plate. Was that so difficult? NO! Note: If gristle has gotten stuck between your teeth please do NOT try to remove it at the table by picking around in your mouth. Even with a toothpick!! Why do we see you being invited to appear on the remake of the Beverly Hillbillies or on Duck Dynasty with a toothpick hanging out of your mouth?

7. God forbid that you must belch but sometimes it happens to all of us. Quickly put your hand or napkin over your mouth. After said embarrassing moment is over, say a quick "Excuse me," and resume eating. Note: Other diners should ignore said belch and there is no need to acknowledge the offending diner's apology with, "Oh that is O.K." We are cringing here at that thought.

8. Note this is important: DO NOT CHEW WITH YOUR MOUTH OPEN! And please do not smack your lips and say, "Boy is this good." Enough said!! And this goes for GUM too. Cracking of gum and blowing bubbles is irritating to those who have to bear witness to this. Think of fingernails on a black board.

9. Lastly, nothing will bring you down faster to a major level of tackiness than speaking with food in your mouth. So please, SNAP YOUR TRAP when eating and chewing. There will be plenty of time to get your ideas out of your mouth once it is empty. Trust Us.

Note: Small children should be schooled to chew properly with lips closed. This then becomes a good habit that will follow them their entire lives and certainly goes along with good table manners. . .

Now enjoy your dining experience whether at home or out and make us proud Students of Flaunt!

Alexandra Smythe and Cate Clarke

School of Flaunt Guide For Modern manners

#chewing, #tablemanners, #manners, #belching, #gum, #etiquette, #Duck Dynasty, #BeverlyHillbillies

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