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The School of Flaunt

Back when "Flying Was Fun" Alexandra Smythe and Cate Clarke were Flight Attendants with a Major International Carrier. Prior to Private Jets coming into vogue, Alexandra and Cate traveled in the First Class World, meeting and greeting the top celebrities, politicians who would become Presidents, nouveau riche, and yes the occasional Headline Grabbing Criminal in Handcuffs!

What the two ladies viewed and experienced became fodder for the School of Flaunt, so much money, such bad taste and oh those terrible manners. Something had to be done! Hence, The School of Flaunt Handbook was born. Read More

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Mummy and the #@%$ Ham!

Category: Mummy's Adventures  |  Permalink

Published: Friday, March 29, 2013


Mummy and the #@%$ Ham!

Don't get me wrong, I love my mother - but our Easter was nearly ruined by her display at the Honey Baked Ham Store.

My parents along with their BFFs Evelyn and Miguel are joining us for Easter weekend. They are returning from LA where they met up with their old pal Len Goodman on Dancing With the Stars!

(More about that at a later date!)

Anyway, I had prepared the menu for Easter Dinner. All we had to do was "pick it up".

Moi: "I have to go out and about now to pick up our Easter meal."

Mummy: "Oh Cate darling, your father will pick up the food. He loves to drive on the wrong side of the road! He thinks it's a challenge!"

Mr. Clarke immediately jumps into the conversation. "If you don't mind Clarissa, I will drive you both around to see a bit of the sights and then we can stop at the Honey Baked Ham store."

So off the merry little threesome went with not a care in the world. That is not how they returned, however! Yes it was three hours later when the car came back into the driveway. I should have known something was wrong by the look on my husband's face!

Moi: "Welcome back! Was it fun? Where is the Ham?"

Mummy: Scowling now! "I should say NOT. That "so called Caterer" was a disaster. We had to wait in LINE for almost an hour and then they hand over the Ham and submitted a disastrous bill to your father for $95.00!!! For a HAM! You can't be serious?"

Mr. Clarke is ducking out the back door now to escape her wrath.

Moi: "But Mummy, this is a Honey Baked Ham, not Costco. It should be a delicious meal. This company is known for their wonderful hams! It was a bit of a splurge, but its Easter."

Mummy: "Easter in the colonies! This is ridiculous! I just told the man to "shove off"! I wouldn't pay that atrocious price for a ham and I also told him in England, we would only serve Lamb on Easter. To this he threw me out of his store and told me to enjoy my Lamb!! Well we haven't been able to get any Lamb. We went everywhere and no Lamb could be found." At this point as only my Mother can do she tosses her hat and handbag into the nearest chair and says, "Your husband is very upset. I see he is drinking on the veranda already. I will join him. Can someone make me a martini?"

Daddy meanwhile is looking outside and talking to himself since I left for the bar and Mummy is waiting on the veranda for her martini.

Daddy: "Now, Clarissa, Cate, we can have something else. We don't need Ham or Lamb. Perhaps Miguel can barbeque for us? I do so love his grilling!"

As I'm making Mummy's martini I'm fuming! Puhleese, Lamb, grilling I don't think so! I had my heart set on a Honey Baked Ham and we will have it! With this I threw on my jacket and backed out of the driveway. ALONE.

What transpired at the Honey Baked Ham shop was my groveling to get a much smaller ham and fly out of there. I only hope I can rebuild my Honey Baked Bridges.

So we are having as Mummy so graciously put it: "The God Damned Ham for Easter."

I am throwing Holy Water all over the house and said a rosary to counter her curses.

Happy Easter Everyone from my Crazy Family to yours!


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