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The School of Flaunt

Back when "Flying Was Fun" Alexandra Smythe and Cate Clarke were Flight Attendants with a Major International Carrier. Prior to Private Jets coming into vogue, Alexandra and Cate traveled in the First Class World, meeting and greeting the top celebrities, politicians who would become Presidents, nouveau riche, and yes the occasional Headline Grabbing Criminal in Handcuffs!

What the two ladies viewed and experienced became fodder for the School of Flaunt, so much money, such bad taste and oh those terrible manners. Something had to be done! Hence, The School of Flaunt Handbook was born. Read More

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Wild Life or Caddy Shack!

Category: SOF Divas’ Diaries ®  |  Permalink

Published: Wednesday, August 17, 2011

"Wild Life or is it Caddy Shack?"

And we aren't talking Partying!

Every time I turn around it seems that there is a battle of wills between humans and Mother Nature at my home. In fact we could make another movie like Caddie Shack here! Where to begin?

Yes one minute everything is fine and then the next minute I have dying plants. Of course the first thing I do is ask, "Honey have you checked the irrigation system recently?"

Mr. Smythe: "The drips all seem to be fine." Slightly nonplussed by my question but definitely more interested in what he was watching on TV, he returned to the PGA tournament. Now this is where our Caddy Shack story starts.

My next thought is, "Oh a dose of Miracle Grow will take care of this problem." So I drag out the hose, all one hundred and fifty feet of it, fill up the spray container and give all a good dose. But a few days later I notice that things are going from bad to worse! Then I realize that I'm seeing those tell tale little piles of dirt from their burrowing.

Oh those pesky gophers! Yes they have found my garden and someone is going to die here and it's not me! It is decided! A dose of cyanide capsules will be shot down into their tunnels. It's them or my garden and it is going to be them! I'm beginning to feel like Bill Murray!

Why oh why when there are 100's of acres they can burrow through, do they have to come to my garden? Well no more, you're dealing with the wrong woman here! But barely have I had the gardeners go around shooting cyanide tablets around in the yard then what do I have in the house? A MOUSE!

This is where I have to admit that we have a bad habit about leaving screens and doors open. It was my own fault. I had steaks on the grill outside and was wandering around in the garden with a lovely white wine spritzer. Yes rather like the members at the club in Caddy Shack. Stop laughing! Then I came back into the house to prepare our salad.

Now you have to picture a great room that my kitchen faces toward. At the end of the room is a large expanse of bookshelves, cabinets, the flat screen etc. What is running across the top of this? A mouse!!

I let out a scream and my husband comes running into the room. He looked like a cross between a handsome Chevy Chase with the wild eyes of Rodney Dangerfield! Obviously a screaming woman does strange things to a man.

Mr. Smythe: Agitated. "What's wrong?"

Moi: "There is a mouse up there, go to the laundry room and get a towel to hit him with."

As any good husband knows this was not a simple request but a DEMAND! He quickly appears back with the towel and starts flinging it at the mouse. Bull's eye! He slaps him so hard that the mouse is stuck on the towel. Yes it was another Caddy Shack moment!

Moi: Now picture me still shrieking. "Throw that towel outside and close the door!"

I went to the door and now I'm actually starting to feel sorry for the poor little mouse because after looking at him he was definitely a baby. My husband hears me saying, "Oh poor little thing."

Mr. Smythe: "Alexandra you got to be kidding me!"

Moi: "Your right, your right. Its them or us. Will this never stop? Mother Nature is always trying to win here. Thirty seconds later, "Oh, God Bless America!" (I use this versus swearing)

Mr. Smythe: "What now?!"

Moi: "You aren't going to believe this. A lizard just came into the house through the other open door!"

Mr. Smythe: I can see him rolling his eyes as he says, "Oh well, he won't eat much!"

Moi: As visions of Caddy Shack and Bill Murray dance through my head I ask, "Where is my wine spritzer? Honey can you freshen it up? I'll worry about the lizard tomorrow."

Gheez, it always something here at Green Acres! Do you think they would like to make Caddy Shack III here? Mr. Smythe and Chevy Chase? No he would never do it. I mean Mr. Smythe, now I'm LOL!!


Postscript: I've put Kenny Loggins, "I'm Alright," on my cell phone ringer. Off to the club now! Hope that I get a good caddy.

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