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The School of Flaunt

Back when "Flying Was Fun" Alexandra Smythe and Cate Clarke were Flight Attendants with a Major International Carrier. Prior to Private Jets coming into vogue, Alexandra and Cate traveled in the First Class World, meeting and greeting the top celebrities, politicians who would become Presidents, nouveau riche, and yes the occasional Headline Grabbing Criminal in Handcuffs!

What the two ladies viewed and experienced became fodder for the School of Flaunt, so much money, such bad taste and oh those terrible manners. Something had to be done! Hence, The School of Flaunt Handbook was born. Read More

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Do We Shuttle?

Category: SOF Divas’ Diaries ®  |  Permalink

Published: Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Do we Shuttle?

Or

"Nightmare at the Stadium!"

I was talking with my friend LB and she was telling me that she had recently attended a high school graduation. She couldn't believe what she saw there! Can I fill you in on some of the worst behavior and taste in the world?

First of all this was a relative's child not hers that was graduating. Need we note here, from possibly not a 90210 zip code! But continuing on, her husband was grousing the entire trip since he hated the drive to that side of town. Every few miles he kept telling her, "I hate to drive here." LB in the back of her mind was thinking, "Wait until he sees the shuttle van! That ought to really get him on a roll! I'll keep that news as my own little secret."

As they pull up to the parking area, they see a sign for "shuttle service." Her daughter who was sitting in the backseat says, "Mother, do we shuttle?" LB's reply, "Only when I'm wearing my large hat and sun glasses dear! Please give me my hat now. Where are my sunglasses? Lord, I hope no one recognizes me!"

Her husband meanwhile was muttering under his breath about how he didn't want to be there to begin with. The following will give you an idea of the conversation:

LB's Husband: "I can't believe after that damn drive, we now have to get on a shuttle bus."

LB trying to smooth his ruffled feathers replied, "But it will be lovely once we are inside."

Picture Husband now rolling his eyes!

Well once inside they found it was not lovely. Think flip flops, jeans and halter tops! Basically Wal Mart on steroids. It was not an SOF moment! And further more the guests acted like they were at a ball game. The concession stands couldn't keep up.

LB noted one woman had her hands full with a drink, a basket filled with shaved ice with some syrup on it, i.e. the world's largest snow cone, and a hotdog securely placed under her tank top between her breasts. We heard you gasp! Puh leese, just think about it! Obviously necessity is the Mother of invention. The woman only had two hands. Where else could she put the hotdog? O.K. stop laughing!

Continuing on with this saga, people were talking and eating like they were at a circus. As LB noted, "Actually this whole event had a circus air to it! All we needed was a Big Top!"

As her husband surveyed the area he said, "I'm waiting for the Domino's Pizza Man to appear with some orders. Actually that might a leave my boredom, do you want to get a pizza?" Now it was LB's turn to roll her eyes.

Then LB's husband says: "OMG, I think I just saw Charlie Sheen walking down the aisle saying, "Winning!" At this point LB and her daughter start laughing uncontrollably.

Five hundred graduates later after many hotdogs, nachos and drinks having been consumed by the guests, the ceremony was finally over. LB's husband was saying at this point, "Praise the Lord and pass the plate." But NOOO, the fun was not over yet!

You guessed it, they still had to get on the shuttle to retrieve their car to go to an after graduation party, for the new graduate!

"The thundering herd in their flip flops," was LB's description, as the masses descended upon them while they were waiting for the shuttle. Yes, flip flops, tank tops and nacho breath surrounded them. At this point LB's husband says, "This is worse than waiting for the real Shuttle to take off!" It did break the tension though and they all started to laugh!

Finally they boarded the shuttle and sat down. LB says with her usual naiveté and rose colored glasses, "Honey, at least this party will be more civilized."

At which point her husband was mumbling something about having been to the Twilight Zone now and maybe he would be lucky to have an out of body experience so as not to have to endure more relatives. Now it was off to the party!

Well, let's talk about the party. There was a DJ that you couldn't talk over, kids running rampant and no sit down dinner. A barbeque with paper plates and those little plastic glasses that hold next to nothing! The saving grace was at least there was an open bar for the adults and her daughter could drive them home!

As LB was on her third martini (remember the glasses were small) she was mumbling to the bartender "Yes, one more please so that I can forget that I just spent $200 on a gift card for this experience."

As she regaled me later with all of the AB FAB type details, I told her, "Next time I'll remind you to send a card and a check."

Moral of the story, remember even though it might be a relative's child, you can always say, "Darling I would love to attend but we are booking a cruise at that time of year." Then go book one!

End of nightmare! I think I need a martini now!

Alexandra

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