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The School of Flaunt

Back when "Flying Was Fun" Alexandra Smythe and Cate Clarke were Flight Attendants with a Major International Carrier. Prior to Private Jets coming into vogue, Alexandra and Cate traveled in the First Class World, meeting and greeting the top celebrities, politicians who would become Presidents, nouveau riche, and yes the occasional Headline Grabbing Criminal in Handcuffs!

What the two ladies viewed and experienced became fodder for the School of Flaunt, so much money, such bad taste and oh those terrible manners. Something had to be done! Hence, The School of Flaunt Handbook was born. Read More

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Mummy is in Hospital!

Category: Mummy's Adventures  |  Permalink

Published: Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Mummy in Hospital!

It was in the middle of the night, I was dreaming of my next Caribbean vacation, you know sand, surf, lobster dinners, when I was rudely awakened by the ringing of our phone. My husband answered sleepily and leaned over, "My dear you better take this, it is your mother." I jumped to an alert position and took the phone.

Me:              Hello?

Hospital:     Is this Cate Clarke?

Me:             Yes, this is Cate Clarke

Hospital:    This is the____________ Hospital in New York. Your mother is a patient here and we are having trouble finding her. Is she with you?

Me:           What? What is going on? Why is my mother in your hospital? Why is she in New York?

Hospital:   We cannot discuss your mother's condition. Patient Confidentiality, you know. We only have your name in case of Emergency. We will continue to search for her. Click

Me:          Good God! They've hung up. Mummy is missing at the Hospital and we must get down there right away!

Mr.           Clarke: Huh? We have to fly to England!

Me:          No! She is here in New York. Call the doorman for a taxi!

We raced downstairs to find a car waiting and dashed to the famed New York City Hospital. I had to do a song and dance to get past the guards and up to my mother's "floor". My mind was flying. I worried that she was in dire condition, or worse. Then thinking this must be a mental asylum, but was shocked when we noted this was the hallowed halls of the "Plastic Surgery Wing". Oh Mummy what have you done now?

(As an aside, my mother has had some "work" done in New York over the years. It is always a deep dark secret, and usually I get a call from the Colony Club when she is well on her way to recuperation.)

We went through the locked doors and into the nurse's station. This looked more like the Four Seasons than a hospital, I mused. The nurse confirmed that mummy was indeed out of her room, but felt they would track her down soon. Still no word on "what work" Mummy was having done.

We turned to the sound of the locked doors opening again and in waltzed the Missing Patient!

Mummy:          Cate, darling, what are you doing here? This was mumbled out of a bandaged face.

Me:                   Mummy where have you been? The hospital called me and told me you were missing!

Mummy:          So you can see I am fine. Can't a person get any privacy in the States? I was due to leave in two days. I would have phoned you for take away food to bring to The Colony Club!

Me:                 What would you like, Mummy, Indian or Greek? I said obnoxiously.

Mummy:          Now Cate, you know how I like to keep these surgeries private. Even your father does not know! He is having a shooting party, so I have no worries about him.

At this time, my husband cannot stop laughing!

Me: Now maybe you could apprise us of your whereabouts when you went missing?

Mummy:     Whispering, I went to the Meditation Room, Evelyn smuggled in some Boodles for me! Laughing! (Evelyn is Mummy's ladies' maid and BFF to tell you the truth.)

Me:            Mother, you should not be drinking Boodles after surgery! Are you not on painkillers?

Mummy:   Oh yes, but just a tiny bit. What's a bit of Boodles? Evelyn is such a joy!

Me:           Rolling my eyes, alright Mummy. You must get back to bed and rest. Call me when you get to The Colony Club! Starting to leave and trying to kiss her bandages on both cheeks.

Mummy:   Yes, children, run along, you won't recognize me at the Wedding! Don't forget my Indian Takeaway! And then I might like something from "Swifty's! She is now being led away by her nurses.

Back in the taxi, my husband is still laughing.

Driver:       Sounds like your patient is OK!"

Mr. Clarke: Oh she is more than OK. She is Mummy!

Me:             Gawwd.

Thinking to myself, do I need my eyes done before the wedding?



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