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The School of Flaunt

Back when "Flying Was Fun" Alexandra Smythe and Cate Clarke were Flight Attendants with a Major International Carrier. Prior to Private Jets coming into vogue, Alexandra and Cate traveled in the First Class World, meeting and greeting the top celebrities, politicians who would become Presidents, nouveau riche, and yes the occasional Headline Grabbing Criminal in Handcuffs!

What the two ladies viewed and experienced became fodder for the School of Flaunt, so much money, such bad taste and oh those terrible manners. Something had to be done! Hence, The School of Flaunt Handbook was born. Read More

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Alexandra's House Guest From Hell

Category: SOF Divas’ Diaries ®  |  Permalink

Published: Friday, November 19, 2010

Oh my dear students. I just went through three days of Hell. Yes, BJ arrived on her broom in a flurry as usual. Yes you read right I said, on her broom and you will understand why later. Now I know what I'm dealing with here so shame on me but I always think it might be different. BJ was a neighbor who divorced after a long marriage. Having decided to do this at least a year in advance she had all of the documentation that she needed to dump on the attorney's desk at their first meeting. There were no tears I guarantee when she spoke with the attorney. As she said, "I'm getting half before he spends it all." Of course the fact that he had a new love after they separated, who was younger than her, didn't help her temperament either!

So BJ arrives with bags in tow and says she is meeting her old gal pals for lunch. To be honest I could have been put off by not being invited but I know how she is. Strange personality quirk of wanting to divide her friends up into groups and they rarely are co-mingled. So I wished her a good time and said, "I'll see you late this afternoon." Well, 5:00 PM arrives and she pulls into the driveway. She comes into the house and throws down her bag and literally flops into the chair. "I'm exhausted from dealing with those women. And the food was not that good and they charged $3.00 for a cup of coffee!" Guess who recommended the restaurant? LB . I could hardly wait until she told LB all of this!

Now she jumps up and says, "We have to go over to JS's home." I'm thinking now what? Well, JS was out of town but evidently she had told her that if she wanted any of her orchids from the courtyard to please take some. So off we go! Well, we get there and of course the maid had the court yard locked and there was no access, so forget the orchids. At this point all I wanted to do was go home and have a glass of wine and prepare dinner. Oh, NO! We have to drive through the neighborhood first. I was just waiting for her to say, "Let's stop in and see so and so." Thank you there was a God and the tour was short!

Well, that night it was nonstop chatter about this man and that man, she was dating. Oh my sweet husband sat through dinner with this nonsense and then graciously excused himself and went to his study. At 10 PM I decided that it was definitely time to end the evening and reminded her that we would have a full day tomorrow.

Now it is tomorrow and LB arrives. After a marathon discussion of the merits of the GPS system in the car versus Google directions we leave. I'm in the back seat thinking, "this is going to be an interesting day." Of course as only BJ can plan, what should be a day of enjoyment is really going to be a Herculean exercise in how much can be accomplished in one day!

So the marathon begins. Why did I think it would be any different? We hit Dolce & Gabbana, Tiffany's, Christian Dior and then I begged for lunch! Café Rodeo has sidewalk dining out front and I knew this would be her cup of tea. After that we hit the stores again. Bijan is totally over the top, where a pair of socks starts at $50, but BJ is hitting her stride now. She exclaims in a loud voice, "Well, you know the ex just got a face lift so I have to look good too." Then in another loud statement she says, "I think I need to contact my attorney and get my alimony upped." I could see LB rolling her eyes at this point.

Finally it is almost 5:00 PM and she says, "Ladies I made a reservation at Spago's for us." "Great," LB and I both chimed in unison for I'm sure she was thinking the same thing I was, martinis!! So we cram all of BJ's purchases in the trunk of the Mercedes and off we go!

I thought I had died and gone to heaven when we finally got to Spago's after listening to her nonstop negative critique of the restaurant that LB had recommended to her the previous day for lunch. I could see that LB was doing a slow burn but didn't want to start anything. Start anything well, wait until you hear this one. We are sitting in Spago's finally having our martinis when she gets a call on her cell phone. Instead of taking it to the Ladies room or just letting it go to message she answers it! After about 2 minutes on the phone, as she is laughing heartily and exclaiming that her vagina is O.K., LB and I are practically crawling under the table. Then I couldn't help notice that the foursome at the table next to us is glaring at her too!

I softly asked her to please take the call outside as I could see LB cringing in her seat! What do I hear but, "Oh why don't you lighten up. I'm 60 years old; don't treat me like a child." I thought LB was going to jump out of her chair at this point! I have been told that when I'm angry my right eyebrow will go up. I'm sure it must have disappeared into my hairline then! At this point I'm thinking if I was still a flight attendant and we were on a flight she would be in jeopardy of being found in the back lav hanging from an Oxygen mask!

Well, she did get up and go to another part of the restaurant at which time LB waves over the waiter and asks for two more martinis for us. We weren't driving and boy did I need another drink at this point! The martinis appeared and LB and I clink our glasses together. At this point LB said, "This is why I didn't invite her to stay with me. My husband said no more! I think the woman has lost her mind in Las Vegas!" I'll add here that BJ after her divorce had moved there and with her generous settlement had purchased a larger home than her husband had here. Of course we all know what the market is like there so that was a very easy task. What's 10,000 sq. ft. when there is only one person living there? But the cherry so to speak on top of the sundae was when the bill came and I said, "Why don't we split it three ways." Her reply was, "No I'm on a budget." If I could have thrown myself on the floor at that point and had a fit I would have but what would have been the point? After all the woman was on a BUDGET!

As she left the next day my husband put his arm around me and said, "You are a saint. That woman is totally self absorbed." Little did he know of what had transpired the day before. I decided to spare him the details. Meanwhile the phone rings and it is LB. I hear her laughing and then she says, "May I assume that you will not be inviting her back too?"


P.S. The School of Flaunt Handbook explains the "rules of being a house guest." Maybe I'll be sending her a copy. Now that is a brilliant idea and it certainly made me smile!! Now I'm going to back to bed for a nap and a much needed mental break!

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